One of these mornings...

So I feel like a bad person.

First of all, I'm dating an amazing human being.  He makes me soooooo incredibly happy.  Like, genuinely, when I'm with him, I feel as if I'm on top of the world.  We will have been in a relationship for four months this month, but I pretty much started falling for him when I met him back in November, and we started dating in December, so yeah.  But, really, he's amazing in so many ways.  He's sweet, gorgeous, brilliant, etc., and he treats me as if I were a goddess.

And, even though we haven't been together long at all, he's already brought up the idea of marriage, and honestly, I am not at all opposed to it.  I could honestly see myself spending the rest of my life with this guy.  Just don't expect the invitation anytime too soon.  haha

That being said, we have a lot of differences.  First of all, I've never been a big drinker or partier, and Matt definitely has been one.  He's calming down some now, but he definitely drinks a lot more than I think he should.  I've talked to him about it, and honestly, I just think it's the environment he's surrounded himself with in GA.  When he's with me, he barely drinks at all.  He'll have a beer, but that'll pretty much be it.

He also has some psychological issues, but he's dealing with that, and I will help him through anything he goes through, as long as he's willing to put up a fight and take his medication as he's supposed to.

So I guess that the big issue right now is - he smokes.  He quit for four months, and he told me he was going to try to quit permanently.  He told me he was going to quit.  Then I find out today that he's been smoking for the last two weeks or so.  :(

I can date someone who drinks every so often.  I can date someone who has issues, as long as he's willing to work through them, but I CANNOT date someone who smokes, let alone marry that person.
And I told him this.  I told him tonight that I won't be with a smoker.

I knew he smoked when I started dating him, but I just assumed that I would be able to deal with it and that he would quit eventually.  And he did.  for four months.  But I need more than four months.  I need no more smoking period.

We talked about it, and he's going to try to quit.  I told him I couldn't be with someone who smokes.  I feel terrible, though.  Outside of my anger, I know that he can't help it.  I know that he's addicted to it, and I can't expect him to just completely drop something right away that he's been doing off and on since he was twelve or thirteen.  But I can't help it.  I hate smoking.  It repulses me.  If you want to smoke, that's your decision.  I have friends who smoke.  BUT I don't date them.  :-(

Anyway, I feel like a bad person because I feel as if I'm trying to change him.  I shouldn't be trying to change him.  But I can't help it.  I can't be with him if he smokes.

Also, I feel bad because he's planning to pretty much follow me wherever I go.  He's willing to give up things for me, but I'm not willing to give up things for him.  I know that sounds horrible.  I love him with all my heart, but I just can't bring myself to do it.  Like, he wants me to consider going to SCAD for grad school instead of trying to move to a school up north.  I'll look at SCAD.  It is a good school, but I don't want to move down south.  And I'm not planning to.  It breaks my heart that he's willing to give up things for me because he loves me, but I can't do the same thing for him.

I mean, it's been my dream to move up north to go to a school somewhere in the New York/MA area.  Ever since I was a little girl, I had planned to move up there eventually.  I just can't let go of my life plans...even if it's for someone I love dearly.

I've been thinking about taking a year off after W&M, and I really think I might.  It'll be nice to work some in community theatre and just take some time off of studying for a little while.  But I don't know where I'll be living while I'm doing that.  I've been considering moving somewhere up north and just getting myself settled up there...find a job, work some community theatre, etc.  Matt's suggested that I move down to Savannah to live with him for a year while he works on his M.F.A., but I just don't want to...He's not completely against the idea of moving up with me, but I really think he wants to go to SCAD, but I just can't make that move...or that sacrifice.

In short, Matt is a wonderful human being who would do anything and everything for me, and I'm a selfish bastard.  :-/  It doesn't mean I don't love him, though.  I honestly don't think that it could be possible to love someone more than I love Matthew Salzman.  But I just can't give up myself for him...does that mean I'm too in love with myself to ever be able to make sacrifices for someone I love?

Ehhhhh.

I'm tired, so I'm going to bed.  Sorry if this post is riddled with more errors than my usual posts.  I'm half-asleep.

Maybe I'm Amazed...

So I'm totally in a Paul McCartney mood...hence the title. 

Anyways, here's just a mini-update on my life as of now and some venting/ranting/declarations.  I've been super busy with classes and work and working all my stagecraft hours!  I've completed 23 out of 98 hours of out of class labs.  ugghh!  On the bright side, I'm becoming more familiar with how to use power tools, so that's good.  I'm getting better at them...better as in I couldn't pick one up before to I am able to hold them and kind of use them now.  :-p

I'm really stressed, though, because I have two midterms, a paper to write, a paper to rewrite, two presentations, and two scenes to worry about over break and immediately after break!  boooo!!  I'm sure I can do it, though, but I'm just a little scared as to how I'll get it all done.  At the same time, I was really thinking about driving down to GA to see Matt this week, but I just don't think I'm going to have the time.  :(  He's coming up the 18th, though, for that weekend, so I suppose I can wait until then.

Speaking of him, he came up last weekend.  It was such a wonderful weekend, too.  We just chilled at my apartment, had dinner with his family, and hung out with friends together.  We went to see Eurydice together on Sunday.  After the show, I had to strike the stage with my stagecraft class members.  That took forever, but afterward, we went grocery shopping, and he cooked me dinner, and we curled up and watched a movie.  I had to drive him to the airport on Monday morning, though.  That pretty much broke my heart.  :(  On the brightside, he's planning to take summer semester off, so he'll be able to spend the entire summer with me.  :)

I know we just started dating a bit ago, and I'm a very logical, no-nonsense person.  I always have been.  I guess that's why what I'm about to say doesn't sound like me at all.  But I don't know...I think this person is going to be in my life for a long time.  Like, I don't know how to put it.  The minute I saw him I felt that there was something special about him...like we were meant to find each other or something, you know?  It's like from the first day I met him, I started falling in love with him, and now, I'm so incredibly in love with him that it kind of scares me.

I guess it's just...sometimes, no matter how little time has passed, you just know some things.  Does that make sense?  Everyone is telling me that Matt and I are going to end up getting married.  My mom, Mich, Emma, David, Teresa, Kristina, Jordan, etc.  Normally, I would just brush their comments aside, and that's what kinda frightens me.  Honestly, I cannot say that I can't see that happening.  And that is SOOOO freaking weird for me to say.  haha  But it's true. 

Matt and I talked about this a few weeks ago...how we feel that we're just right together...like it almost seems as if we were meant to meet each other.  He finally told me a couple of weeks ago that he knew it was too soon to really tell, but he really had a feeling that I was the girl he'd always been looking for.  He said he could see himself spending the rest of his life with me, and nothing would make him happier.  Since then, he's definitely said some things hinting to that idea.  I mean, he's taking the summer off to spend time with me!  He even asked if I thought it'd be okay if he left some stuff at my place while he's in Williamsburg this summer...meaning that I think he's pretty much asking to move in with me this summer while he's here.  At the same time, he was talking about the distance between us but how we'll be able to see each other a lot more when we graduate, but then he said, "Ohh, dammit!  You want to go to grad school!"  And I said, "Well, um, yeah.  Hopefully somewhere up north."  To which he replied something to the effect of, "Well, I could live up north, " meaning that I think if things continue to go well, he plans to follow me wherever I go.  :-D

I mean, we haven't been together too long, but it feels like we have.  It just feels right to be with him.  It just feels natural. 

My mom is crazy and is certain that I'll be getting married as soon as I graduate next year.  I don't know about that.  I'm still young, but at the same time, if he asked me, I don't know if I'd be able to say no.  In other words, if things continue to go as well as they're going now, I could see myself eventually marrying this guy...something I haven't really admitted to anyone but my mom and now a blog which no one reads.  :-p

But, hey,what do I know?  We could be broken up six months from now, and this will all be irrelevant, but I just don't feel like that's going to happen.  Then again, I've been wrong before...like maybe once, anyway.  :-p

Anyways, that's my life right now - super stressed about my school life but super happy about my personal life.  :-)  Odd mixture, eh? 
 

And so it begins!

So a new semester has begun, and I'm feeling pretty confident this time around.  I'm super nervous, too, though.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm taking more classes this semester, and two of the classes I'm taking require labs...one of which requires that I spend at least 40 hours working outside of class building sets for the main stage W&M productions this season.  I'm a little worried about all of that.  I'm certain that I'm going to saw a hand off, but I'm still excited for the semester.  I'm declaring my major soon, and after this is over with, I will officially be a senior at William and Mary.  woooo!!!

Aside from school, I've got a pretty great job, and I work with some awesome people.  In addition to that, I've got some really kick ass friends here.  I just got back from hanging out with a few of them tonight.  I've started going to bars!  Imagine that!  I don't go frequently, though, and as the semester progresses, I don't think I'll be seeing much of them.  Despite the fact that I've started going to more bars, I still don't really drink.  I'll have a beer here and there, but I mainly go to hang out with friends, so the old Mary is still here, and I'm happy about that.  Besides friends, I'm pretty much head over heels for a wonderful man, and he's coming to visit fairly soon, which I'm super excited about.  It's so weird how we've kinda fallen for each other so quickly, but we discussed it, and we both think that it just feels right to be together.

Overall, I couldn't be happier with the way life is going right now.  It's so awesome to just feel happy...not that I don't usually feel happy, but it just feels right to be a theatre major, and it feels right to be taking all of these classes about the theatre.  They make me happy. 

Anyway, I'm going to go to bed for now. I'm going to try to wake up early, so I can do a lot of homework in the morning.  I'm going to make this semester my bitch, Man!  It will not kill me.  I will kill it!  Bwahaha!

Until later, adios!

Something in the way...

So, have you ever met someone, and you know that from the minute you lay eyes on that person that he or she is going to usher in something life changing? You don't quite know what, but you definitely know that this person is strongly going to affect you.

That's how I feel and have felt. I just spent a weekend doing practically nothing with this person, yet I feel altered. I'm really eager to see where this goes. I hope nowhere but up. :-)

Holy shizzle

So I was just talking to Matt today about how I really wanted to go somewhere this week while I'm off, but I don't really have much money, and he suggested I go visit him in Georgia...so I'm heading to Savannah this weekend! super excited! :-)

On another note, I'm only going to be working on the weekends this semester, so I'm definitely going to audition this time around for plays around the Norfolk/Richmond area. I am determined to start acting this semester, and I'm taking an acting class this semester, so I feel like that will better prepare me for all the auditions and what-not.

I have a feeling this semester is going to be awesome. I am determined to do well. Now that I'm familiar with the school and things aren't that new to me anymore, I am going to ace the crap out of all my classes, Man. You just watch. :-D

Hello again!

Wow, I haven't written in this thing in forever!!

Just to keep whomever may be reading this up to date, a lot has changed in my life in the last few months! I'm now a junior at William and Mary. Yes, I chose W&M over Chapel Hill. Why? Well, I like the fact that it's such a small school; Williamsburg is a beautiful city, and I felt that CH was too close to home. I wanted to force myself to branch out more and make new friends, and I have so far. :)

I got all A's this semester. I can't believe it. I got a pass in my pass/fail class, an A in my stats class, and an A- in my theatre and philosophy classes. Oh yes! That's another thing! I've switched majors. I'm no longer a pre-med student studying neuroscience. I'm a theatre major. :)

Anyways, I work at Ben and Jerry's now at the Prime Outlets in Williamsburg, which is where I've met one of my best friends, Emma Lewis. She's also my manager. !!!! Let's see...speaking of friends, I've made several awesome friends in VA. There's Teresa, Nabila, Nathan, Emily, Emma, and Jessica, and I've even become pretty good friends with my roommates Jordan and Kristina, who just got engaged on New Year's Eve. I'm going to be a bridesmaid in their wedding in 2011.

School is going great so far. I'm all registered up for my classes, but they don't start until Jan. 20th, so I haven't gotten all of my books yet. haha Emma's given me off until January 19th, so I'm just free to do what I want until then.

As for relationship statuses, I'm single now, but it's a bit complicated. On Thanksgiving weekend, I met the owner's son at Ben and Jerry's, Matt. We closed together the day we met and just talked the entire time. He's a film and television major at SCAD in Savannah, GA, so we have a lot in common, seeing as how I'm a theatre major. Anyway, we worked together some more and saw each other at the B&J brunch thingy before Christmas, and before I came home for Christmas, Emma asked him to come out to this bar thing with us because she said she thought he liked me.

So, yeah, I came home for Christmas; he went to Maryland to see some of his family, etc., and we ended up hanging out every day last week, and we both admitted to each other that we liked each other. It took some pushing, though. Emma totally helped us out. haha

So, yeah, I stayed in VA last week to be with him before he left for school. He left on Sunday, and he came by my apartment to say goodbye to me right before he hit the road. I've talked to him pretty much every day this week, either through texts or on the phone. I just hate it that he lives in GA, and he won't be back in Williamsburg until probably April or May. I really like this guy, and I think he really likes me. I could definitely see us being together for a while if he lived in VA. I guess we'll just have to see what happens in the next few months and how we feel about each other when he returns home. *sigh*

Anyway, life overall is going well. I'm going to go to Wilmington tonight to hang out some more with David and Ryan. We'll probably hit up a few bars and get a little tipsy. I'm such an alcoholic now...except not really. :-p

But, yeah, I just remembered that I had this blog, so I thought I'd write in it a little. Peace out for now, my Peoples! :-)

Booya, Bitch!!!

I've been accepted at William and Mary!!!

Now I've got to decide between CH and W&M.

Oh Lord...where should Delenda and I move to?