One of these mornings...

So I feel like a bad person.

First of all, I'm dating an amazing human being.  He makes me soooooo incredibly happy.  Like, genuinely, when I'm with him, I feel as if I'm on top of the world.  We will have been in a relationship for four months this month, but I pretty much started falling for him when I met him back in November, and we started dating in December, so yeah.  But, really, he's amazing in so many ways.  He's sweet, gorgeous, brilliant, etc., and he treats me as if I were a goddess.

And, even though we haven't been together long at all, he's already brought up the idea of marriage, and honestly, I am not at all opposed to it.  I could honestly see myself spending the rest of my life with this guy.  Just don't expect the invitation anytime too soon.  haha

That being said, we have a lot of differences.  First of all, I've never been a big drinker or partier, and Matt definitely has been one.  He's calming down some now, but he definitely drinks a lot more than I think he should.  I've talked to him about it, and honestly, I just think it's the environment he's surrounded himself with in GA.  When he's with me, he barely drinks at all.  He'll have a beer, but that'll pretty much be it.

He also has some psychological issues, but he's dealing with that, and I will help him through anything he goes through, as long as he's willing to put up a fight and take his medication as he's supposed to.

So I guess that the big issue right now is - he smokes.  He quit for four months, and he told me he was going to try to quit permanently.  He told me he was going to quit.  Then I find out today that he's been smoking for the last two weeks or so.  :(

I can date someone who drinks every so often.  I can date someone who has issues, as long as he's willing to work through them, but I CANNOT date someone who smokes, let alone marry that person.
And I told him this.  I told him tonight that I won't be with a smoker.

I knew he smoked when I started dating him, but I just assumed that I would be able to deal with it and that he would quit eventually.  And he did.  for four months.  But I need more than four months.  I need no more smoking period.

We talked about it, and he's going to try to quit.  I told him I couldn't be with someone who smokes.  I feel terrible, though.  Outside of my anger, I know that he can't help it.  I know that he's addicted to it, and I can't expect him to just completely drop something right away that he's been doing off and on since he was twelve or thirteen.  But I can't help it.  I hate smoking.  It repulses me.  If you want to smoke, that's your decision.  I have friends who smoke.  BUT I don't date them.  :-(

Anyway, I feel like a bad person because I feel as if I'm trying to change him.  I shouldn't be trying to change him.  But I can't help it.  I can't be with him if he smokes.

Also, I feel bad because he's planning to pretty much follow me wherever I go.  He's willing to give up things for me, but I'm not willing to give up things for him.  I know that sounds horrible.  I love him with all my heart, but I just can't bring myself to do it.  Like, he wants me to consider going to SCAD for grad school instead of trying to move to a school up north.  I'll look at SCAD.  It is a good school, but I don't want to move down south.  And I'm not planning to.  It breaks my heart that he's willing to give up things for me because he loves me, but I can't do the same thing for him.

I mean, it's been my dream to move up north to go to a school somewhere in the New York/MA area.  Ever since I was a little girl, I had planned to move up there eventually.  I just can't let go of my life plans...even if it's for someone I love dearly.

I've been thinking about taking a year off after W&M, and I really think I might.  It'll be nice to work some in community theatre and just take some time off of studying for a little while.  But I don't know where I'll be living while I'm doing that.  I've been considering moving somewhere up north and just getting myself settled up there...find a job, work some community theatre, etc.  Matt's suggested that I move down to Savannah to live with him for a year while he works on his M.F.A., but I just don't want to...He's not completely against the idea of moving up with me, but I really think he wants to go to SCAD, but I just can't make that move...or that sacrifice.

In short, Matt is a wonderful human being who would do anything and everything for me, and I'm a selfish bastard.  :-/  It doesn't mean I don't love him, though.  I honestly don't think that it could be possible to love someone more than I love Matthew Salzman.  But I just can't give up myself for him...does that mean I'm too in love with myself to ever be able to make sacrifices for someone I love?

Ehhhhh.

I'm tired, so I'm going to bed.  Sorry if this post is riddled with more errors than my usual posts.  I'm half-asleep.